Retreat/ Hairstyle

 My name is Havah Bilow and I cut off all my hair.... Why would a girl with such beautiful hair cut it all off!!! what a tremendous waste of hair... no it is not true... i have found a sort of freedom after the cutting of the hair.... i will tell you about that soon.. for now, what was i thinking... this "a sort of cleansing.. a letting go of. protocol. a trusting in the goodness and soveirgnty of God's plan that cannot be muddled up by a freakin hairstyle. It is a statement to myself that i will not create my look in order to gain attention from others, or to be the prettiest i can be in order to capture the eye of every man... instead, i will live with the knowing that it is not about a appearance but rather an essence... it is also me letting go of guys that are not good for me, maybe they are good in their own ways, they are fun, determined, or faithful, yet they are not for me. i need to cut them off from my life like i cut off my hair...u gotta just do it, close your eyes tight and say the words "cut it off"... or " this isnt working.. " i gotta see behind my closed eyes the reality that the effects of these moments are permanent for a season. Pain is permanent for a season... but it is the choices we make within the climax/conflicting times of our lives that determine our outcome. This was well said by Donald Miller in "Blue Like Jazz" when we is describing the outline plot of a story.... the best sellers are the ones with a major conflict... and the end is always the outcome of the choices made within those critical moment.. key word "moments" So this moment of hair chopping of deciding for a singleness in the now is a part of shaping me for my outcome to be a woman of character, independance, and honor. I want to be the one to make the choices in the conflict. I will take responsiility for my choices, my thoughts, my outcomes...BE NOT AFRAID>>> TRUST))WALK)))GO))) DIVE into the water close ur eyes and jump.....

 Lisa and I on the bus to Dundee ready for Jesus to draw us closer to his heart! He gave us some precious moments on this bus. On the way home he lead the conversation into some deep parts of our lives. Where i got to hear about her admiring her mother was a wife and a mother and a woman of strength. I got to know that her family was held together by a strong glue "Jesus" that her mother, in the face of her husband having a brain tumor, was able to comfort Lisa and have grace to see the best in the hard situations. She has a great heart to be a mother and she loves family just like ME OOOO WOW! we are now prayer partners and we are praying for specific people in our lives here at stirling that we might be able to share Jesus with them and watch his handiwork of changing lives! I am so excited about this. ...
anyways now.. post haircut ,, i could have screamed.. yet i sat transfixed as the man Hair dresser uses clippers on my hair. then continued to chop very  often. It was all i could do but ask him simple questions about his life but i really wasnt there. I was fighting with my fears of being unattractive and less worthy. stuff like that. then it was done styled and fabulous. i was tramatized and still breathing. After the surgery i went to deliver toasties with the Christian Union, people texted us and ordered a toastie and asked a question about the Christian union and we made the toasties and delivered. So i went from hair cut to service. in an instant i knew i had to forget about how i looked and serve and be there! It was what i needed. I got to reshape the way i thought once again and talk to people not in order to gain their appreciation but in order to know them and enjoy their company.

 I definalty have the coolest bag... it has a lunch a bible, small notebook, pens, lipgloss, money, id, phones, cameras... i forgot my couch! Ill ring it next time :)

Lisa and I found that the only decent coffee here is in a can and its amazing! SHe is from Northern Ireland and she doesnt really understand how NASTY the coffee in the UK really is.... man it tastes of anti acid build up in the stomach blah... anyways mmm doubleshots they have been my friend sinc July and i am happy to continue the relationship in moderation ;)
THis weekend in Dundee Lisa and I were witnesses to the teachings of an amazing American woman evangelist. She wrote a book about bringing the SAlt of the Earth out of the salt shakers and into the lives of real people. Our goal is to be the SALT of the EARTH! wooo and how do you do that.. really its quit simple, get to know Jesus! ya just HIM .. i want to know his favorite color.. and i think its white and gold jjust like mine.. ahh we are so alike *cough* wishes dreams hopes...
"Our methods (of Evangelism) should flow from the knowing of the beauty of the Gospel"mmm. often we get caught up in WHAT CAN I DO to get people to Christianity... what is wrong with this sentence is I and DO.. who's strength does this show we are leaning on.. our own. self confidence.. we need God dependency forget self confidence our pride is the begining of our demise. Happy are they who know they are not enough... and know he is... and take rest in that>WE R NEEDY for him. we try and find other things to fill that neeeeeeed. but it is still there. you know you CAN be fully satisfied in God? "in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." (psalm 16:11) In the book "Desiring God" John Piper describes his philosophy of Christian Hedonism, "the deepest and most enduring happiness is found only in God. Not from God, but in God." (pp.28) wow does this change everything? Basically what i get from this is that every moment I want to be knowing God more, seeking his face, Glorifying him with great joy because that is the reason for living wow.  anyways this conference was about Evangelism and the book i bought there is about desiring God! Ha everytime i go to a conference or something what i get out of it most is not the teaching, the instruction, or anything from the activity itself, what i get is a realization of my need to know Him more, and now it all makes sense that i have been starving for his presence. you can only live off duty and human strength for so long! A highlight of the talk was when she (sori i cant recall the name at this time.. illl find out upon request..) said how being yourself, being honest, consistent, and authentic is the key and of course the Fear of God rather than man...what you fear is what you serve..when we reveal our true selves our struggles our sin it is what draws others to Jesus. not our sin in fact it is the love of Jesus evident in our lives ... the real problem in evangelism is the sin of unbelief. the focus on our gifts... we need a God centered approach to life and the basics come on PRAYER and a dependence on the power of God... if we really know the power that stand behind us we would not be afraid to move... so lets get to know him, and his sweet voice ahhh!!! David knew him that is why he could face a Giant because he didnt see a Giant he saw a man standing against His people,, Goliaths strength is no match for God. What are the Goliaths in our lives? if we knew who Jesus really is would they still be standing in our way to freedom and a fruitful life? Ok now look at people and find the gold in them and tell them... :) I can simply say right now my life is different once again. I actually can see the beauty around me, i never have to search for anything again in my life (besides sources for my papers..) because i HAVE him, my new focus, to know him, i hear him.,, and how am i doing that? reading the word, PRAYING every moment slowing down, and asking questions and of course being faithful in my life, "desiring God" reading that, and fellowship and obeying .. ahhh it all sounds so spiritual it really is very simple, my awareness is magnetized to his essence. boom